Happy vs. Sad

This Thursday coming I have a funeral to go to. My cousin, N, has died and he was only a couple of years older than me, not even in his thirties yet. He has a young son, two older sisters and a mum who will grieve him, perhaps even more because their relationships with him were not always the easiest.

I remember him from my childhood, when he held the glamour of being a little bit older than me, but I haven't had any contact with him since his sister's wedding in 2001. To all intents and purposes he was a stranger to me, just a name I would hear mentioned every so often and yet I am deeply saddened by his death. I come from a close family, we all talk to each other and about each other and last night I was talking to another of my cousins, O, about the funeral. Talking to him I was able to finally express what it was that was upsetting me. No matter how little I knew him, he was one of 'us': one of my family, my people, my clan and the first one of my generation to be lost. There are only five of us now.

It's also made me worry anew about O. We spent much of our childhood together and during our teens we talked a lot on the internet. I view him almost as a brother, but he's had problems that have made our relationship difficult, many of the same problems N had. He is getting help and I hope that it's enough, that he can learn to be settled and content and I can have him back in my life. I don't want to be attending his funeral in a few years' time. He is funny and bright and caring and I wish he could see that in himself and feel that it is enough. I don't want to lose any more of our clan just yet - not for another fifty years at least.

I am trying not to dwell on the sadness. I have a slight tendency for morbidity, for focusing on an emotion until it overwhelms me and I don't want to do that. It's not helpful and it's not healthy. I want to focus on happiness where I can, embrace it and bring it into my life, because sadness and grief will force their way in when they must. Until that time I am working on my happy list.

- The ritual of Sundays spent with my husband
- Talking to my mum on the phone
- Making the same joke at the same time and both falling about laughing
- Regressing to childhood for a moment and hugging a soft toy
- When you have a good hair day
- Real wool woolly socks - so snuggly!
- Wrapping up warm when it's cold outside and the way a hat makes you feel stylish because you don't generally get to wear one
- The first day of the year you can go outside with just a sweater on
- Inspiration - for anything!
- Baking. It's like alchemy.
- Fairy Lights. Magical, twinkly and a little bit of Christmas magic year-round
- Family, because even when you hate them, you love them and you know that they'd be there if you really needed them, because they're your people.

Little Things That Make Me Happy

I've mentioned before about my affection for lists. Well, here is one that makes a massive difference to my everyday life, because it is the fragments of the life I lead that give me pleasure, satisfaction and keep me moving forwards. And these are just the things that occur to me today as I sit here. What makes you happy?
- Picking up my affectionate, sausage-stealing cat and burying my face in his fur
- Hugging my husband, laying my cheek against his chest and hearing his heart beating
- Hanging washing out on the line and smelling that fresh-washed smell
- Coming into the house when I've been cooking bread, brownies, a fluffy sponge cake or a rich, tasty stew and smelling the delicious smell permeating through the entire house and knowing that it was my work that made it. Appreciating the smell and anticipating the taste and others' pleasure in the food.
- When the cats do that chittering thing when they've seen a bird through the window
- Getting into a bed made up with clean sheets, everything crisp and fresh, clean pyjamas, clean hair and snuggling into the covers.
- A hot water bottle for my feet on a cold night
- The soft, pink, fuzzy cover of my hot water bottle on my feet
- Post for me that's not a bill, circular or other boring item
- Watching my cats play-fight each other
- A little guilty treat, like that unexpected chocolate in your handbag or the last cupcake
- Rediscovering a pair of shoes or a top I haven't worn for ages
- Making a meal and finding it even tastier than I expected
- When Bramble, my independent cat, lets me stroke his tummy and I can scrunch my fingers through his soft white fluffy fur as he squirms in pleasure.
- Leaning against a radiator when it's cold
- Looking outside first thing in the morning and seeing it's sunny
- Finding buds on my bushes and sprouting seedlings in my pots
- Knitting something with very little comprehension of how the complex instructions equal a cardigan and that moment when you realise how it will fit together!
- My husband kissing me goodbye whilst I'm still half asleep and hearing him tell me he loves me so quietly I almost think I've imagined it.
- Smiling at someone I don't know and having them smile back
- Conversation - with almost anyone.
- The ritual and pleasure of making a cup of tea, then holding the warm mug between the palms of your hands and breathing in the steam just before you take a sip.

I may have to do a part two when I think of more things :-)