OK, so I've been noticing something strange lately. I was one of the first of my friends and contemporaries to get married and now they're all starting to get engaged I'm finding myself envious of it all. Envious of the excitement, the newness of calling them your 'fiance' instead of boyfriend, the hysterical squealing with girlfriends and the mental designing of the dress, not to mention the trips to dress shops to try them on.
I'm not sure how much of this is related to my engagement, in which I was disappointed for several reasons. I just didn't feel like it was greeted with that much excitement or pleasure by many of my friends and family. My best friend was great - she came straight over and made a big fuss of me, but most everyone else just seemed... blase. It still upsets me now when I think about it. None of our parents or extended family, most of our friends, why weren't any of them more thrilled for us?
I'm jealous, too, that these newly affianced couples have that magical wedding day still to come: the best day of my life. Magical is the only word to describe it - I felt like a princess, like I could do no wrong and everyone was happy for us and with us. I wish I could live it over and over again. I hate that two such massive events are past me already and wonder what, after having my first baby, will be left for me to experience that will be such a massive landmark in my life. It's making me fear ageing at only 26 - not because I'm scared of getting old in itself, but because I'm scared of no more big events with me at the centre of them. Does that make me selfish or narcissistic? I don't know. I just know that there aren't that many moments in my life where I feel truly special and important and I cherish those few that do occur. The rest of the time I'm just the supporting act in someone else's life.
Celebrating forty years
4 weeks ago