Every morning I get up and plug myself into my iPod. Loud music so I can drown out my own thoughts, any nagging doubts and grass-is-greener alternatives. The television covers up the silence of being alone, my mobile sends me bleets of encouragement that someone else is thinking about me, even if only briefly, the computer is my solace - a journal, friend, confessional, social world of people that I don't see.
Each of us struggles, reconciling dreams with realities, expectations with truth. I try not to think about it too deeply most days. I have pop and disco, some soft rock and indie alt, country and dance and I sing along, put other people first, do my duty as I see it, be a good wife, friend, daughter, sister and occasionally get blindsided by a stray thought that wonders what would happen if I just did as I wanted and world be damned. Would that simply mean baking and eating an entire tray of brownies, would I run off to join the circus, take all the money out of the bank that I could get my hands on and go on the longest, most luxurious holiday I could, or something even more selfish?
The long and short of it is that, until I get a job I have very few options anyway. I stay here or I go to my parents'. I may not be ill any more, but I'm still dependent and I hadn't really noticed - how did that happen?
Celebrating forty years
4 weeks ago